What To Do When You're Ready For Marriage — And Your Partner Isn't

A few things to consider when you’re ready to tie the knot and your partner isn’t.

By Anonymous 

The word “marriage” has a negative connotation for many people. One contributing factor to this is the high divorce rate among baby boomers, impacting the way millennials view the institution of marriage as a whole. There’s also the movement away from the more traditional practice of marrying for religious reasons, financial concerns with the cost of getting married, and simply not wanting to give up an independent, single lifestyle. 

The average age for first marriages is now 27 for women and 29 for men, compared to 20 for women and 23 for men in 1960. Interestingly, more couples than ever are moving in together before (or in lieu of) getting married.

As a result, many couples now find themselves in a sea of uncertainty when it comes to tying the knot. Should we wait? If so, for how long? Should we even get married?

If you find yourself sitting on the other side of the fence than your partner, know that you’re not alone. Here are a few things to consider when you have a partner not ready for marriage. These can help you navigate the situation when you’re ready to tie the knot and your partner isn’t.

1. Define what marriage means to you.

The definition of marriage is changing in our world today. In earlier generations, couples married for logistical reasons such as property ownership or social status and hoped love was somewhere in the mix. Couples today are looking for their soulmate. They seek marriage for lifelong friendship, pleasure, and connection.

What does marriage mean to you? What does it mean to your partner? Do you know? The key here is not to let your anxieties about what your partner may say deter you from having a conversation that could allow both of you to understand each other better. Turning towards your partner in this conversation will help to strengthen your relationship as a couple whether you decide to get married or not.

2. Define why marriage is important to you.

Why is marriage important to you? You can focus on why your partner is not ready for marriage, but I’ve found it incredibly helpful to get clear first on my own dreams and goals. If you want to get married because you’re afraid of being alone for the rest of your life, you may want to reconsider if you are taking this big step for the right reasons.

If you want to get married because you’re worried your partner isn’t fully invested and marriage would prove their commitment to you, you may want to reconsider your motives. The goal of marriage shouldn’t be to change your partner, but rather to deepen your relationship by acknowledging your commitment. If you can articulate openly the reasons why marriage feels like the right next step to you, your partner will be much more likely to listen.

3. Ask open-ended questions.

The conversation about marriage is one worth having, especially if you have different views. Don’t let your assumptions get in the way of hindering a talk that could bring both of you closer, or give you critical information you need to know to determine the next steps together.

“I’m just not ready” is a start, but seek to understand the real reasons behind your partner’s hesitancy. Why are they not ready? Is it because of finances? Is it because their parent’s marriage failed and there are some underlying hurts there? Is it because you haven’t been together long enough?

If you can ask open-ended questions and put your defensiveness and criticism aside, your partner will feel safe in having a space to explore these questions openly and honestly with you.

4. Don’t compromise your values.

I don’t mean break up with your partner if they aren’t ready to get married right now. There is a growing mentality in today’s culture to leave if something isn’t working, including a relationship. Flexibility can go a long way in a partnership. Identify what you are willing to be flexible on, and what feels like a non-negotiable.

There is no simple answer when you and your partner are on different pages about marriage. But if you can seek to understand your partner’s perspective and give them a chance to be honest with you, you may be surprised with what unfolds!

Cheers

LOVE TIPS- The REAL Reason Some Marriages CRUSH and BURN (While Others LAST)

Hint: It's all in your mind.

By Anonymous

Your marriage's success or failure starts in your mind.

Positive, loving thoughts about your partner can shift and change over the years — sometimes much faster than that.

Are your feelings for your partner different today than when you first fell head-over-heels in love?  

Do you feel more, or less deeply connected to them?  Do you feel more, or less in love with them?

If you do not feel more in love and more connected, I urge you to do something different.

Changes — any changes — in what you feel might be subtle at first.

Something happens that bothers you, and maybe it’s not really that big a deal. But then, another thing happens, or the same offense gets repeated over and over.

All of these little things stack up over time, and the little things begin to feel like big things. 

Then, if a big thing does happen, it can feel like the beginning of the end of your happiness and your marriage.

The levels of love, connection, and even the attraction that you feel, can suddenly seem disappointing.    

But here’s the real root cause of that disappointment:

Your unmet expectations.

You have lots of expectations about your partner. Most of which you probably keep to yourself.

Here are some expectations for your spouse that you might have in your mind:

• I expect you to make me your priority.
• I expect you to be there for me when I need you.
• I expect you to give me sex when I want it.
• I expect you to do what you say you’re going to.
• I expect you to love only me, and the way that makes me feel loved.
• I expect you to value and appreciate me.  
• I expect you to share in the responsibilities of the home.
• I expect you to give me your full attention when I talk to you. 
  

All of these unmet expectations can lead to disappointment.

And that disappointment often creates feelings beneath the surface of bitterness or resentment.

You know it's true.

But don't worry. It's not too late.

Here’s how you begin to improve your marriage even if you feel disappointed:

1. Ignore all of the problems in your marriage for now.  

They can’t be fixed until you and your partner feel more connected with each other. That connected feeling is the only thing to start doing something about.

2. Do whatever will improve the feelings of connectedness between you both.

And that requires YOU to change how you interact with them.

Of course, you can also show them this article.

But don’t expect them to read it and change THEIR behavior, because you will likely be, well, disappointed.

However, when YOU change your behavior into something more fun, playful, happy, and light-hearted any time you’re around them, they will also change their behavior towards you.

Try it out for yourself and see.

Cheers!

If Your Guy Does These 16 Things, Congrats! He's A Keeper!

By Anonymous

If you're looking for a life partner, chances are you want someone who's honest, loyal, thoughtful and caring. But what about the subtler details?  What are the small things that separate an average married man from the best husband EVER?

How many of the things below does your guy do? A lot? Hold onto him!

1. He is not intimidated by your success.

A man worth keeping is secure in himself and will support your success. He will praise your efforts and be there to lend an ear when you fall. He will share in your joys and be there to help pick you up  Your success will be about you, not about him.

2. He's playful.

Couples who report happy relationships often cite time to play as an important factor in keeping their relationship alive. Occasional playfulness in a man is a very attractive quality to many. He can joke (but not at your expense) and can laugh at himself. He can take time away from his work and projects to go bowling, or engage in an impromptu game of Scrabble or Chess.

3. He values gender equality.

He is comfortable in the kitchen and doesn't feel emasculated by running the vacuum. He can handle you mowing the yard, changing the oil, or washing the vehicles. He can be a bread-winner or a stay at home father. A man's true views on gender roles often tell a lot about his personality and relationship style. Will you be his equal?

4. He's observant.

Would you like your partner to help with household chores? If so, look for a man who is observant. Men who aren't so great about doing their fair share around the house claim that they don't see dishes in the sink, scattered toys or clothes on the floor. Men who notice details in their environment have that extra bit of awareness needed to be full contributors in a household.

5. He's a dreamer. 

An often-overlooked quality for a future mate? The ability to dream. Does your guy dream about the perfect vacation, a house full of kids or any other fabulous plans? Thinking and dreaming big suggests that he has goals, ambitions and fun in his future. If he's all about practicality and simple stability he might not be the guy to help you fulfill your wildest dreams and fantasies. Life's too short for that. 

6. He's an optimist.

Is your man's glass half full? If not, you may want to think twice before heading down the aisle with him. Sick kids, sleepless nights, financial stress, aging parents and your own mortality can chip away at anyone's optimism. A partner who is a natural optimist can help you through those tough times with big doses of hope, laughter and a big picture outlook on life.

7. He uses the word "we."

When speaking about future plans he includes you in them. You know that he is serious about you and not just having fun for the moment.

8. He treats you like a lady.

The way he treats people, including his friends and family, especially his mother, is a good indicator of what kind of husband he will be. 

9. He remembers the little things.

Any guy will remember your birthday. The guy who remembers the little things, too, is the keeper. If he's paying attention to the little things you say and do, you can be sure he won't ignore things that are important to you.

10. He offers to help without you asking.

If he is willing to go out of his way to help you, without you having to ask, you'll know he truly cares about you. You'll be able to count on him as a true partner.

11. He shares your values

It's easy to miss the subtle signs that your guy might be a keeper, so start with your values and think about how someone's actions might reflect those values. For example, if you're divorced mother with kids, family may be one of your top values. If your guy is willing to rearrange his work schedule so he can attend his kid's school band concert or sports meet, that speaks to his commitment to family. 

12. He supports your career.

Married life isn't just about the fun and social parts of life, so it's important to open up to your partner about your work. As you share a problem you're facing, watch how he reacts. If he asks more questions, remembers other conversations, suggests possible solutions and helps you brainstorm, that's a good sign that he's supportive of your career and won't be threatened by your success. 

13. He is sensitive and communicative.

He never says you got a bad haircut. He knows how to say "I was wrong" and "I am sorry." He says you're beautiful even without makeup, or first thing in the morning. He will talk until 2 a.m. if you need to so you don't go to bed upset or feeling alone. 

14. He doesn't pretend to be perfect.

A guy who can show you his flaws means he can accept yours. If he is still trying to be perfect after date two or three, he either doesn't recognize his own flaws or is practiced at hiding things. 

15. He takes an interest in what happens during your day.

He genuinely wants to be caught up on your life since you last spoke, not because he's jealous, but because he really wants to know about the things that are important to you. 

16. He makes you laugh (and vice-versa).

There's a reason married people live longer. Our health and well-being is intricately tied into our emotional state. Your ideal guy can see you at your best and at your worst and not belittle you. If you aren't able to laugh about the dramas that arise with your life partner, things are going to be extremely difficult. 

Cheers!

FAMILY TIPS- Life Skills Your Child Needs Waaay More Than Learning 'Stranger Danger'

Re-looking at what we teach our kids to keep them safe.

By Anonymous

It is probably the worst fear of any parent that their child might be kidnapped or molested. It’s the stuff of our nightmares and the kind of movies you can never watch again once you’ve had your own kids.

The whole idea sends such waves of terror running through us that we inadvertently teach our kids the very thing that is likely to make them a victim: fear itself.

You see, pedophiles are predators and predators look for the weakest link. Their eyes are peeled for the timid child, the one who is afraid, nervous, and wary, the child who acts like prey.

They don’t want to get involved with a child who will voice their opinion or dislike strongly. They don’t want to hassle with a child who can’t be manipulated. And they definitely aren’t going to try to prime a fighter.

When we teach children stranger danger, we are teaching them to act like victims. I suggest that we rather empower our children with life skills that are not appealing to predators.

Instead of filling our children with fear, let us teach them these 5 life skills:

1. How to carry themselves with confidence.

How does your child feel about him/herself? We teach confidence by allowing children to do things for themselves, giving them independence, describing their achievements without praising them, acknowledging their struggles without jumping in to do things for them, and allowing them to make choices.

Ensure that your child gets their daily dose of love and attention — hugs, kisses, kind words, and time together. A child whose needs are not being met is much more vulnerable.

2. How to have body integrity.

Children need to know that their body is theirs and nobody gets to do anything to it without their consent. As parents we need to step back sometimes and see how often we give them the opposite message — insisting on washing them, brushing their hair, forcibly dressing them, and insisting that they hug or kiss relatives.

We have to start respecting our child’s right to refuse these things. It’s a hard pill to swallow as a parent and it isn’t always easy to trust that they will not grow up filthy with a permanent bird’s nest and no manners. Body integrity has to start at home and if we don’t respect this, we are already priming them for other people disrespecting their bodies.

3. How to trust their instincts.

Our brains receive so much more information on an unconscious level than we ever become aware of consciously. We’ve all had those moments when we feel that something is not right and it turns out to be so. We can’t explain how we knew, we just did. That is the power of responding to subtle cues from the unconscious mind.

We need to teach our children to tune into this wisdom and to trust it. We do this by listening to them when they say they don’t feel like doing something, respecting them when they don’t want to be around a particular person, or even allowing them choice in what they eat (and knowing that their inner wisdom knows better than you what is good for them on this particular day).

4. How to voice their opinion.

Children need to know that "no" means "no" and the only way to learn this is if we allow them to say it and respect them when they do. If you ask your child to share their toys or eat their dinner or give you a lick of their ice cream and they say "no", then that means "no".

Children need to know that their voice is as important and as relevant and as respected as any adult’s voice. They learn this by being given opportunities to talk, being included in family decisions, being really listened to when they have a problem, or want to share something.

It is very challenging raising a strong-willed child, but that trait that we dislike so much is the very trait that can save their lives one day.

5. How to defend themselves.

I honestly believe that every child should have some martial arts or self-defense training in their lives. Knowing how to handle ourselves in difficult situations gives us the kind of confidence that is very off-putting to predators. It also gives children the added advantage of having the element of surprise in a dangerous situation.

Hopefully, your children will never need to use these skills, but if they ever do, then it is better to have some skills than none.

And then, of course, we need to calm our own fears so that our children don't pick up on our nervousness and belief that the world is essentially a bad place. Of course, we need to be alert and awake as parents to potential dangers, but we also need to be realistic about our fears and practical in our approach.

If you have your own trauma from your childhood that hasn’t been dealt with, get some help. It is not fear of strangers that will help our children to stay safe, but knowledge, confidence, and self-respect.

Cheers!

Put In 5 Hours A Week Doing THIS And You'll Have A Much Better Relationship

It's only 5% of your waking life.

By Anonymous

All of your relationship problems cannot be solved by reading a book, attending a weekend workshop, or enrolling in couples therapy. With that said, learning what distinguishes happy couples from unhappy ones can change the course of how you and your partner love each other.

The seemingly insignificant shifts in the trajectory of your relationship can have a significant effect over time. The catch is that you have to continue to build on the positive changes you’ve made so you don’t fall back into old, negative patterns.

Here’s what the winning formula looks like and how to improve your relationship in just five hours.

1. Partings

Happy couples make an effort to learn one thing that is happening in their partner’s life that day before saying goodbye in the morning. This could be lunch plans with a best friend or a doctor’s appointment or a scheduled call with their parents. The goal is to ask questions and learn about the exciting and not so exciting things about your partner’s day.

Time allocation: 10 minutes per week (2 minutes a day x 5 working days)

2. Reunions

When you see your partner again at the end of the day, share a hug and kiss that last at least six seconds. Dr. Gottman calls this a “kiss with potential.” The six-second kiss is a ritual of connection that is worth coming home to.

After the six-second kiss, have a stress-reducing conversation for at least 20 minutes. This provides you with a space for empathy and non-sexual intimacy, as well as encourages you to understand the stresses and problems outside of your relationship that you’re both facing.

Time allocation: 1 hour and 40 minutes per week (20 minutes a day x 5 working days)

3. Appreciation and Admiration

It’s important to find ways to genuinely communicate affection and appreciation toward your partner. I encourage couples that I work with to use an admiration journal, which enables them to record something small they notice and connect it to a trait they admire in their partner.

Not only does this make your partner feel valued, but it also primes your mind to see the positive traits of your partner, instead of focusing on the negative. Here is an example: “Thanks for helping out with the dishes last night and letting me go finish my project for work. You’re such a thoughtful and kind woman.”

Time allocation: 35 minutes per week (5 minutes a day x 7 days)

4. Affection

Expressing physical affection when you’re together is vital to feeling connected to each other. Make sure to embrace each other before falling asleep. This can be as simple as cuddling for a few minutes or a goodnight kiss.

Think of these moments of affection as a way to let go of the minor stressors that have built up over the day. Imagine lacing your goodnight kiss with forgiveness and tenderness for your partner.

Time allocation: 35 minutes a week (5 minutes a day x 7 days)

5. Date Night

This important “we time” is a relaxing and romantic way to stay connected to each other. During your date, ask open-ended questions and focus on turning towards each other. Think of questions to ask your partner, such as, “Are you still thinking about redesigning the bathroom?” or “I’d love to take a vacation with you. Do you have any places in mind?” or “How has your boss treated you this week?”

Time allocation: 2 hours, once a week

Grand total: 5 hours!

As you can see, five hours a week is quite minimal. In fact, it’s only 5 percent of your waking life if you sleep 8 hours each night. As insignificant as these five hours may feel, they will help enormously in keeping your relationship on track.

Cheers!

Stages Of Intimacy (And Why You Need To Know Where YOU Are)

We want to tend an unreserved apology to our readers for the unannounced ''black out'' for some weeks. This was due to some restructuring in our modus operandi (mode of operation). Gracias.

We will be looking at ' 'Stages Of Intimacy In Relationships".

By Anonymous

There are no typical couples, every relationship goes through intimacy stages. And just like with grief, these stages do not always happen in this particular order. 

Take a look. What stage is your relationship in?

1. Infatuation

"OMG, I just met the love of my life."

"He is perfect and handsome. I want to marry him."

"I can't believe we have so much in common."

"He is great in bed."

"I cannot wait to see him again."

"Oh, I should eat something. I'm going to vomit."

Oh, the sweet, syrupy stage of infatuation. It's so wonderful and so difficult to resist. Hormones and logic rarely coincide, so we find ourselves doing things like checking email 12-24 times an hour, not eating, going to get our nails done at midnight, buying pajamas to match our bed sheets, and so on.

Infatuation makes your dopamine levels soar, producing a full-body euphoria that causes humans to seek out sex again and again. To wit, brain scan studies show that the brain during orgasm is 95 percent the same as the brain on heroin. Your brain cannot, biologically, maintain the high of infatuation; you will fry.

The infatuation will ebb and flow at different points. The sex will not always be that good; it may get better or it may get worse. But all those lovely feelings are that of a first swim in the cool, crisp pond of falling in love.

How many movies could we watch about that? Billions. It's pure poetry; love magnified; a revisit to the warm womb of security. Then the negotiation between security and autonomy, that life-long struggle, crawls in and we begin to land.

2. Landing

The landing from that fantastic flight can feel scary, as we see things a lot more clearly. There is a great article in Psychology Today along the lines of, "The day you wake up and say you have married the wrong person is the day that your marriage truly begins." It means that this is the day where the veil of infatuation lifts and the 20/20 vision of everyday living comes in.

"Wow, she is neurotic."

"OMG, he tells the worst jokes."

"I didn't think about him at all yesterday. I hope we are OK."

The landing can feel light and sweet, or rocky and discombobulating. But eventually, the clock strikes midnight and Cinderella must run home before the stage coach becomes a pumpkin and her dress returns to rags. Landing! Oy, so bittersweet. 

3. Burying

This stage happens when all the to-do lists of life come toppling into the relationship. Before you know it, conversations focus on things like who's doing the laundry, your boss, or the crazy mother-in-law.

During the burying stage, other things—like, oh, life—begin to encroach on your beautiful oasis of a relationship. Burying is not always bad; it's a sign that the relationship is real and weaves into your everyday existence.

The important thing to remember here is to "unbury" yourselves. Do something that allows real life to take a break and the gentle, sweet intimacy to resurface, bringing us to the next stage.

4. Resurfacing

Resurfacing is the stage where you turn to your partner, and say to yourself, "Wow. I forgot how hot he is," or, "She is stunning," or "I love him so much."

Resurfacing is a relationship resolution: "She is a mixed bag, but so am I," or "He sits on the toilet for an hour reading comics or newspaper, but I pluck my chin hairs." You start thinking things like, "I can't wait for our next date," or, "I can't believe I have such a sweet person in my life who always has my back."

A massive problem that you two resolved, a great date, an especially good night of sex, almost losing the other person, or good couples therapy can all trigger resurfacing. Anything can jolt us awake, a death in the family or even a birth.

5. Love

This is what it's really all about, right? The part where we look across the dinner table, fight over the remote, or go on a great trip to a nice place and think, "Oh, I have it really good," "I'm blessed," or "I love him/her more than I could ever imagine."

Here, the sex is (usually) better than it's ever been. True love blossoms around year five; the rest is a rotation—sometimes rapid and sometimes slow—of the other stages.

Cheers!

Love Tips- You Can Still Be Happy Together, Even If You Come From VERY Different Worlds

The heart wants what the heart wants. But you need to be smart about it.

By Anonymous

It is common knowledge that major wars in history have been waged because of differing religious beliefs, traditions and values. 

News reports in the past decade have reminded us again and again that tensions exist in various parts of the world between different ethnic and religious groups for a variety of reasons. At times hostilities erupt between differing groups and between factions within a particular group.

What does this have to do with marriage and in particular with successful long-term relationships? 

Couples with healthy and caring marriages have learned to cherish and protect their shared and individually-held spiritual beliefs, cultural differences, traditions and values. 

The truth is that marrying someone who shares your same beliefs, values and traditions is, in no way, a guarantee of a successful relationship. 

It is also true that marrying someone who does not share your same beliefs, values and traditions does not mean that your relationship is destined to fail.

A determining factor in successful, healthy, long-term relationships is learning how to accept, understand,embrace and cherish each other and the differences between you. 

Those differences may include a variety of things including economic background, culture, ethnicity, language, family history and religious background and beliefs. 

If, as a couple, you can learn to understand how these differences affect your beliefs, thoughts and behavior; and you learn how to accept, embrace and even cherish those differences, those differences will not stand in the way of allowing you to experience a rich relationship together. 

If one of you is unable to come to terms with the differences, then your relationship will be a struggle.

If you are considering a relationship with someone with very different cultural, traditional, religious or another major diversity in background and thinking, or are currently involved in such a relationship, the following concepts will help the two of you succeed:

1. Be curious.

Adopt an attitude of curiosity regarding their beliefs. 

Learn as much as you can about the differences between you. Compare their outlook to your own and discuss the things that contributed to the way you look at things and how that may differ from their experience. 

Ask lots of questions without judgment, and learn all that you can. 

Even if you both come from a similar background you may still learn of differences that you did not expect.

2. Be honest. 

You may learn things that are quite different than what you expected. 

You may find that there are things you will have to spend time thinking about and discussing, in order to problem-solve. 

This may include things like dietary habits which prohibit certain foods that have been a constant in your diet, differences in parenting and discipline or very divergent views on medical practices or celebration of religious holidays.

3. Be compassionate. 

If something seems odd, or different or even weird to you, be very careful about passing judgment or doing or saying things that would indicate that you are passing judgment. 

Most of us have values, beliefs and traditional practices that have been part of our lives from birth. 

While we may not fully understand the reason for a particular belief or practice, it may very well be a long held and cherished tradition for your partner. 

4. Run interference. 

If either of you finds that there are family members who are struggling with your decision to be with this person because of these differences, you must be prepared to address it. 

Many families have long-held traditions. In the course of a year, there may be a number of family gatherings that involve these traditions. 

If, for some reason, your spouse is uncomfortable or unable to participate in a family tradition, be sure you have come to terms with it.

Then ask your family to accept it as well, and to withhold judgment of your spouse. 

Ask them to respect your decision to choose this person and to be respectful of the differences.  

5. Listen to your inner voice. 

If you are in the decision-making process regarding continuing a relationship with someone with whom you share many differences, ask yourself a few simple questions:

• Can I do this? Think through the differences between you, and determine if you really think you can live with the areas in which you are different.
• Is there anything you can’t accept? You need to determine if there are any areas of difference between you which you would not be able to compromise or live with. 
• How would your differences affect parenting? Are there any differences in your thinking or beliefs that would set up continual conflict?
• Can you deal with family? Does either family have expectations of change that one of you will not be able to live up to? Are you both prepared to deal with the challenges presented by your own family?

In previous generations, the advent of major world wars and conflicts brought together couples from completely different cultures, and often resulted in successful marriages that crossed many cultural divides.

 In our current world, there are many other avenues available to aid in the development of relationships across cultural, religious, ethnic and traditional divides. 

With the right amount of sensitivity, curiosity, honesty, openness, acceptance, care and mutual respect, those divides need not stand in the way of a successful relationship and marriage.

Cheers!

Ways The HAPPIEST Couples Fight (And Actually Grow STRONGER)

What to do if fighting freaks you out.

Too often, couples begin to fall apart if they see any appearance of conflict in their marriages. 

They may have been raised in homes where they never saw any form of discord, so they believe that their parents never had any disagreements.  

Because conflict was so hidden from them, they never learned how to manage it. 

However, in any relationship — and particularly in our marriages — it is important to recognize that conflict with another person is inevitable.

People will have differing points of view, or may feel hurt or slighted by another person, even if that person never intended for that to happen. 

In order to have a healthy, functioning relationship, there must be a recognition that conflict will occur, and there needs to be a plan to manage conflict in a way that is as non-threatening as possible — with minimal to no damage done. 

Fortunately, there are a number of ways to learn how to manage conflict when it occurs. 

Let’s take a look at a few useful tactics that couples use to disagree in ways that help grow their relationship:

1. One way to manage conflict in a positive way is to approach it, rather than avoid it. 

Couples must not allow issues or concerns to go un-addressed, causing them to become angry and resentful. 

Those who successfully navigate conflict will talk about what the issues are, and do it in such a way as not to blame one another for how they feel or what they think.

They take responsibility for their own feelings and thoughts, and talk about how they feel related to the situation at hand.  

Conversation is brought forth as soon as they are able, so as not to allow it to fester and become a bigger issue — or become an issue that is brought up over and over again. 

2. Managing conflict means that couples will fight or disagree about things until they are resolved. 

This may mean that they “fight” often, in order to reach a resolution. 

3. When healthy couples disagree, they do not call each other names or become disrespectful if they want to manage conflict. 

They consider the other person’s feelings and thoughts when they speak, so as to not put them down or belittle them. 

4. Couples will be open and honest about how they feel, and not dismiss important questions. 

They will not resort to dismissing important questions like, "What is wrong?" or "What's going on?"

It is not okay to say things like, “Oh nothing” or “it doesn’t matter!” if there is really something bothering them. 

Communication needs to be honest and open if conflict is going to be resolved. 

5. Managing conflict means that couples do not assume that the other knows what they are thinking or feeling.

It is unfair to make assumptions, or act as though someone should be able to read your mind and fix the problem the way you want it fixed. 

Healthy couples will manage conflict by addressing the issues, and not making assumptions about what the other person should know.

They will not assume that the other will automatically fix the problem without telling him/her what the problem is. 

6. Managing conflict means that couples work together as a team to solve a problem. 

Couples are not on opposing teams; they are a team! 

They express how they feel and what they think, and then work together to bring resolution. 

Once they have agreed, the other thoughts and feelings are no longer part of the issue. They agree to the solution, and that if that solution does not work for some reason, they come back to the drawing board and talk about what is not working, to try to resolve and perhaps try something else. 

7. Conflict management means couples will not harbor ill feelings toward one another, and will move forward together as a team. 

Above all, it is important for couples to resolve issues and not allow anger to take control of the relationship. 

Healthy couples will work to resolve conflict before the sun goes down, so that anger does not become an issue for either of them in their relationship.

It is important to let our children know that we will not always agree, but that we will do whatever it takes to come up with a resolution to our conflict and move forward. 

This will help them to understand that conflicts will arise, and that we must work hard to overcome them and resolve them to have relationships that are healthy and strong. 

If you are struggling in your marriage relationship in the area of conflict management and resolution, it is important to seek help so that it does not become the problem that tears your relationship apart.

Conflict in relationships is inevitable but it does not have to destroy the relationship. 

If couples learn to manage conflict in a healthy way, it can actually strengthen the relationship and help them to grow closer.

Cheers!