STOP Being A Man's Second Choice Back-Up Plan

Don't do this to yourself.

There are very few things that can be as painful and self-esteem-shattering as being someone’s second place prize.

You end up waiting in the aisles, hoping he’ll notice how much you love him, all the while the other woman gets what you want from him with seemingly no effort. It’s brutal to deal with, and that’s why I need to tell you to stop settling. Here’s why:

1. It wrecks your confidence.

It brings self-doubt to one's mind. When you know you’re a second place trophy, you constantly wonder what the other woman has that you lack.

You constantly wonder if, maybe, another 5 pounds lost would make the difference. You wonder why he doesn’t love you the way he loves her. It eats you alive in ways that you never knew were possible.

2. He’s getting everything he wants, and you’re getting nothing.

Most times, I wonder why some women always settle for a complete douche-bag. The fact is if you don't realise he is just using you to satisfy his pleasures then you will always be his playing toy and this will often boost his ego.

Make up you mind not to throw yourself at him or do what he wants until he recognise your worth and treat you right.

3. It ruins your chances at finding a good boyfriend.

What really irks me nowadays is that there were other guys who were interested in you at the time. The only thing is, you pushed them away because you are so dead-set on settling for this guy and most of these guys would have been much more likely to settle down with you.

4. Settling for second best is the foundation of a bad relationship.

Even if he does finally come around, the nagging issue of knowing you’re his second choice will eat away your confidence. Moreover, he will never treat you as well as he would have treated his first choice.

He has already started to take you for granted before, and now all he’s done is convinced himself that you aren’t really worth pursuing in a passionate way. Rather, he’s learned that he can just keep you around until something better will come along.

In most cases, a relationship in which someone settles is one that cultivates massive amount of contempt and resentment. The "settler" feels contempt for having settled for you, and often feels like they are doing you a favor. Meanwhile, the second place feels resentful for being treated as an option.

5. Basically, it’s a no-win situation.

Allowing yourself to be treated like an option will never lead you to a great relationship — so don’t settle for being someone’s option. You deserve better, hun. 

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Overcoming Your Fear of Commitment and Having a Healthy Relationship

by Dr. D

People who struggle with commitment want the same thing that everyone else does – love, attachment, and commitment, but do things that prevent them from finding that lasting love they crave. Their fear and anxiety surrounding commitment cause them to feel paralyzed and unable to stay in the relationship, regardless of how much they want to. Instead of working through their issues, they do the very thing that reinforces their fear: they run. Yet, truth be told – they experience love like the rest of us, but find they cannot stay in the relationship. The positive and exciting feelings that most of us experience with love are more scary and intense for these individuals. The intensity of their feelings and how they interpret them (scary) eventually, drive the person to end the relationship.

Although there is no one type of person that has commitment issues, their difficulty around commitment issues is the same regardless of the time – a few or more months or even years. When feelings become too overwhelming or in some situations, the issue of commitment is pushed (for example, taking the relationship to another level – moving in together, engagement), the person starts to look for any reason to leave the relationship. Any. Reason. Their deep-rooted fears and anxieties around commitment rise up and bubble over until they do things that either drive the person away or convince themselves their significant other is ‘not the one.’

Yet, commitment issues are nothing new and we all likely know someone who would meet the criteria for commitment fear. John Grohol at  PsychCentral, perfectly sums up a number of reasons that have plagued people who cannot commit:

• Fear of, or having had, the relationship end without notice or signs
• Fear of not being in the “right” relationship
• Fear of, or having been in, an unhealthy relationship (characterized by abandonment, infidelity, abuse, etc.)
• Trust issues due to past hurts by those close to the person
• Childhood trauma or abuse
• Unmet childhood needs or attachment issues
• Complicated family dynamics while growing up

John, 38, has been in a relationship for about two and a half years with his girlfriend, Mandy. He has been in three previous relationships, but as he tells it, they ended for legitimate reasons and not because of his fears (too young, drinking became an issue, changed jobs). However, this is the first time that John can say he is in love or that he loves and cares for Mandy. He wishes he could stay in the relationship because Mandy is ‘a catch.’ John’s parents are divorced and his father had an affair. He is one of five siblings, three of which are divorced or going through a divorce. He doesn’t have a lot of faith in long-term relationships even though he does want to be in one. It is here that John finds himself in a conundrum and wondering is it the girl or is it him? 

Like John, there are several areas that a person can begin to explore to overcome commitment issues. For John and I, here are a few main areas:

1. Address his internal conflict. We have started to tackle his internal conflict around wanting the intimacy that comes with relationships, but also learning that it’s ok (and healthy) to cultivate and maintain his own identity and need for time alone.
2. Examine his black and white thinking. John looks at relationships as being ‘trapped’ vs having ‘freedom’ – but relationships are neither. Relationships are more fluid and it is important for him to recognize the need for greater communication around this. He also feels that relationships should never have conflict and that fighting is a bad thing. 
3. Address his cognitive distortions. John feels he has to have the perfect relationship, be guaranteed that the love will last and will not change, he shouldn’t want time away, and doesn’t feel he should not want to be with her. These expectations should be adjusted so that he realizes this is unrealistic, and that is okay.
4. Tackle his fear of communication. Like most people, John wasn’t taught healthy communication skills and, as such, has a tendency to keep things bottled up until he becomes overwhelmed. Fear of disappointment or believing that he has a right to how he feels (for example, wanting to spend time alone), prevents him from communicating how he feels. As a sidebar, Mandy would often say this and want him to be more communicative. It is important to show John that he can communicate rather than leaving it all in until he blows up.
5. Define a healthy relationship. For John, he needs to get in describe what a healthy relationship. When asked he admit to never really thinking about it in those terms or that way meaning what a healthy relationship should look like – only what it shouldn’t look like. It’s easy to get caught up in the negativity of relationships, especially if you are around people who are struggling. For John, this was the case not only in his own family but people he works with. It is hard to escape and still think positively about relationships.
6. Work on his feelings around sexual intimacy. In the beginning of the relationship, he felt more comfortable with sexual intimacy. However, as time has progressed, things have changed. John’s frustration around this is that he is the one that has backed off from sex more than Mandy; much of this has to do with not being able to communicate some of the things that Mandy does that bothers him. So, instead of addressing those issues, he feels there’s something wrong with him and thus the relationship. This is not necessary and can be fixed with the proper communication. His thoughts and feelings around sexual intimacy tie into all of the above – black and white thinking, cognitive distortions, and fear of communicating how he really feels. 

Like most things in life, a fear of commitment can be overcome. But only you can decide to make the necessary changes and invest your time and emotional energy to overcome your fears and anxiety around relationships so that you CAN create a healthy relationship.

You Are Not an Accident

By Rick Warren

I am your Creator. You were in my care even before you were born. – Isaiah 44:2a

God does not play dice. – Albert Einstein

You are not an accident.

Your birth was no mistake or mishap, and your life is no fluke of nature. Your parents may not have planned you, but God did. He was not at all surprised by your birth. In fact, He expected it.

Long before you were conceived by your parents, you were conceived in the mind of God. He thought of you first. It is not fate, nor chance, nor luck, nor coincidence that you are breathing at this very moment. You are alive because God wanted to create you!

The Bible says,

The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me. — Psalm 138:8

God prescribed every single detail of your body. He deliberately chose your race, the color of your skin, your hair, and every other feature. He custom-made your body just the way He wanted it. He also determined the natural talents you would possess and the uniqueness of your personality.

The Bible says,

You know me inside and out, You know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something. — Psalm 139:15

Because God made you for a reason, He also decided when you would be born and how long you would live. He planned the days of your life in advance, choosing the exact time of your birth and death. The Bible says,

You saw me before I was born and scheduled each day of my life before I began to breathe. Every day was recorded in your Book! — Psalm 139:16

God also planned where you’d be born and where you’d live for His purpose. Your race and nationality are no accident. God left no detail to chance. He planned it all for His purpose. The Bible says,

From one man He made every nation… and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. — Acts 17:26

Nothing in your life is arbitrary. It’s all for a purpose.

Most amazing, God decided how you would be born. Regardless of the circumstances of your birth or who your parents are, God had a plan in creating you.

It doesn’t matter whether your parents were good, bad, or indifferent. God knew that those two individuals possessed exactly the right genetic makeup to create the custom “you” he had in mind. They had the DNA God wanted to make you.

While there are illegitimate parents, there are no illegitimate children. Many children are unplanned by their parents, but they are not unplanned by God.

God’s purpose took into account human error, and even sin. God never does anything accidentally, and He never makes mistakes. He has a reason for everything He creates. Every plant and every animal was planned by God, and every person was designed with a purpose in mind. God’s motive for creating you was His love. The Bible says,

Long before He laid down earth’s foundations, He had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of His love. — Ephesians 1:4

God was thinking of you even before He made the world. In fact, that’s why He created it! God designed this planet’s environment just so we could live in it. We are the focus of His love and the most valuable of all His creation. The Bible says,

God decided to give us life through the Word of truth so we might be the most important of all the things He made. — James 1:18

This is how much God loves and values you! God is not haphazard; He planned it all with great precision. The more physicists, biologists, and other scientists learn about the universe, the better we understand how it is uniquely suited for our existence, custom-made with the exact specifications that make human life possible.

Dr. Michael Denton, senior research fellow in human molecular genetics at the University of Otago in New Zealand, has concluded, “All the evidence available in the biological sciences supports the core proposition… that the cosmos is a specially designed whole with life and mankind as its fundamental goal and purpose, a whole in which all facets of reality have their meaning and explanation in this central fact.”

The Bible said the same thing thousands of years earlier:

God formed the earth… He did not create it to be empty but formed it to be inhabited. — Isaiah 45:18

Why did God do all this? Why did He bother to go to all the trouble of creating a universe for us? Because He is a God of love. This kind of love is difficult to fathom, but it’s fundamentally reliable. You were created as a special object of God’s love! God made you so He could love you. This is a truth to build your life on.

The Bible tells us, God is love. (1 John 4:8) It doesn’t say God has love. He islove! Love is the essence of God’s character.

There is perfect love in the fellowship of the Trinity, so God didn’t need to create you. He wasn’t lonely. But He wanted to make you in order to express His love.

God says,

I have carried you since you were born; I have taken care of you from your birth. Even when you are old, I will be the same. Even when your hair has turned gray, I will take care of you. I made you and will take care of you. — Isaiah 46:3-4

If there was no God, we would all be “accidents,” the result of astronomical random chance in the universe.

You could stop reading this article,  because life would have no purpose or meaning or significance. There would be no right or wrong, and no hope beyond your brief years here on earth.

But there is a God who made you for a reason, and your life has profound meaning! We discover that meaning and purpose only when we make God the reference point of our lives. The Message paraphrase of Romans 12:3 says,

The only accurate way to understand ourselves is by what God is and by what He does for us.

This poem by Russell Kelfer sums it up:

You are who you are for a reason.

You’re part of an intricate plan.

You’re a precious and perfect unique design,

Called God’s special woman or man.

You look like you look for a reason.

Our God made no mistake.

He knit you together within the womb,

You’re just what He wanted to make.

The parents you had were the ones He chose,

And no matter how you may feel,

They were custom-designed with God’s plan in mind,

And they bear the Master’s seal.

No, that trauma you faced was not easy.

And God wept that it hurt you so;

But it was allowed to shape your heart

So that into His likeness you’d grow.

You are who you are for a reason,

You’ve been formed by the Master’s rod.

You are who you are, Beloved,

Because there is a God!

Points to Ponder: I am not an accident.

Verse to Remember: I am your Creator. You were in my care even before you were born. — Isaiah 44:2

Question to Consider: I know that God uniquely created me. What areas of my personality, background, and physical appearance am I struggling to accept?

Stay Positive today. 

The Millennial Generation Has Killed Relationships

by Dr. D 

We are the instant gratification generation. And it has killed our romantic lives.

Let me explain. I think it’s safe to say that, if you ask just about anyone in modern society, they’d tell you that dating today is distinctly different than it was ten years ago. With the ever-growing popularity of technology, cell phones, digital culture and dating apps, dating seems to be nothing more than a casual, on-demand service we have at our fingertips.

As a millennial living and working in Lagos, Nigeria, it’s commonplace to see or hear people talk about their participation on apps like Twitter, Facebook, Eskimi or Instagram and nothing more than expected to hear about the casual hookups my friends are having. We live quickly and expect instant results; we are impatient and independent and go quickly after what we want – and, with that, what we want changes often.

The age of meeting someone in person, nervously calling them for the first time, courting them and spoiling them with genuine dates is dead. People meet online, they chat online, they become close online – you know everything about your date for the evening before you meet them because you’ve been messaging on Twitter or Eskimi for a week. And, even with that, it’s expected that you message back in a timely manner – more than 24 hours and you lose their attention. The predominance of the internet has provided the capability to stalk someone’s online presence and learn every minute detail about them without ever having to meet them in person. Technology has infiltrated our lives, our relationships, our ability to be romantic, our sex lives – all of it. Social media is king; when you match with someone on a dating app, it’s completely normal to then try to find their Twitter or Instagram account to learn more about them before you dive into a conversation (or to decide if you even want to have a conversation). First dates become challenging to create conversation because you’re no longer learning about each other – you’re just awkwardly trying to take the relationship that exists online and manifest it in real life.

This instant-dating lifestyle that lives at our fingertips leaves us constantly wanting instant gratification at all times romantically. Millennials shoot a text to their latest hook-up buddy and wait for a reply – no reply? They move on to someone else. The ability to reach out with no shame comes with ease for us, as texting does not require the confidence as asking someone out in person does. We get bored of our latest Facebook dates too quickly and move onto the next swipe. We’re moving so quickly that we don’t want to wait for the time it takes to build a real relationship with someone. It’s not instant enough.

As a millennial living in the middle of this, it’s something I’ve grown used to. Casual hookups are brought up regularly in conversations with friends and arguably almost every day I hear about something that happened in relation to a dating app. I personally don’t care for dating apps much – I find the act of swiping entertaining, but have only ever met up with two people over the course of the past few years, nothing more – but it is challenging to find other ways to meet people, as everyone is so attached to their phone and the digital exploration of love. I question if, and when this fad will ever die – and hope that one day it will.

Though, keep in mind, this does not apply to every millennial out there – hell, one of my close friends is marrying her high school sweetheart in a month. And I have massive respect for those few that do find true love in modern society. It’s beautiful.

As for now, readers, happy swiping!

Are You a People Pleaser?

Wanting to make people happy and constantly wanting to do things for others isn’t a bad thing. However, too much and too often of a good thing can become a bad thing. People pleasers do just that. They put others before themselves. They want to feel needed, so they forsake their needs and do for others. This makes them feel like they are helping others and contributing to their own lives, often to the exclusion of their own desires and happiness. They have difficulty internally validating themselves; they seek the approval and thus seek external validation from other people. At the core, they lack confidence and the ability to take care of themselves . They fear saying ‘no’, thinking that others will view them in a negative light, lazy, uncaring, or selfish.

But if you asked them what would make them happy, many people pleasers wouldn’t know what to say; they have been saying yes for so long to others that they now are disconnected from themselves. And, if you had been saying yes to everyone and not honoring your desires or needs, wouldn’t you feel the same way? Not saying no has dire consequences. People that do this too often risk greater health consequences by overextending themselves and doing things they don’t have the time or the energy to do – in essence, depleting their resources to exhaustion. They do this because they want to appear the hero, the one who cares more than others, and so that others do not view them negatively.

How to Stop Being a People Pleaser (and own your voice!)

1.) Awareness. Simply acknowledging you are a people pleaser and want to stop being this way is the first step. Awareness creates a new direction and a change in mindset.

2.) Set boundaries. Begin to ask yourself, ‘is this what I really want to be doing, or do I feel obligated?’ Ask yourself – ‘Do I really have time for this? Do I want to help this person out? Do I feel pressured to say yes? How would I feel if I said yes when I really wanted to say no?’ Setting boundaries at first can be challenging, but after saying no a few times, it does get easier! So – rule of thumb?? Start small. The first time is always the hardest, but learning to say no with conviction and having an investment in yourself to make changes is vital to changing. But once you get over the first ‘bump’ and feeling uncomfortable, it does get easier with practice.

3.) Learn to feel uncomfortable. When we start to say ‘no,’ we feel really uncomfortable. Remember – this will change and, over time, saying no more often, will get easier.

4.) Self-care. Ask yourself: if you could be taking care of yourself or if you had more time to yourself (your goal!) what would you be doing instead? How could you start to honor yourself and take care of yourself? What are some of your interests?

5.) Take a time out. When you are asked to do something – anything – simply say, ‘I will get back to you.’ This will give you the needed time and space to really think about whether or not this is something you want to do. Often a people pleaser has the knee jerk response of saying ‘yes’, so learning to stall and not give a definitive answer will help you incorporate changes.

6.) Expect some unhappy people. When you start saying no, people will still ask you the same question again, hoping that you will change your mind. Don’t let them persuade or bully you into doing something that you no longer want to do. Remember, in the past, you always said yes. Making changes in the middle of the game disrupts and changes your relationship. Expect this, accept it, sit with it, and move on.

7.) Forgo the doormat personality. Becoming assertive with your needs is key to making changes. Learning to use your voice and saying, ‘I understand you need help at this time, but unfortunately I am unable to help you at this time’ is necessary. You don’t need to give a lengthy explanation because, just by doing that, people can manipulate you into doing what they asked of you first. Over-explaining gives you too much time to possibly change your mind because you feel bad or guilty for saying no in the first place.

Are you a people pleaser? Is it difficult for you to say no to others, and yes to yourself? Maybe you should start thinking about making some small changes in your life that will help you move away from being a people pleaser, and focus more on yourself… 

17 Strategies To Improve Your Communication In Your Marriage

Here are 17 strategies to improve your communication: 

1. Create your own marriage or relationship rules.

People don't always know how to start this process or have even considered doing this task, but they really like this idea! They find it to be eye-opening, beneficial, and helps create a conversation about their relationship.

2. Before getting into any discussion, determine your emotional mood and then communicate that to the other person.

Ask, "Is this a good time to talk?" If not, ask when might be a good time? Schedule a time and then both people need to honor the plan.

3. Forgo technology one night a week.

Research has proven that overuse of technology can negatively affect relationships.

4. Request an apology if you think you deserve one.

Be the one to extend the olive branch once in awhile.

5. Mind reading does not work and is futile — though, people keep trying.

It's your responsibility to tell your partner what you want and need. It is not his or hers to figure it out.

6. Take certain trigger words off the table, especially in the heat of an argument.

For example, the D word (divorce) or "I'm leaving!"/"I'm out of here!" I

7. Don't deny a possible fix.

If your partner is making an honest attempt to repair the relationship, then try and make a physical connection.

8. Negotiating is not the same as complaining.

Negotiating means that you state clearly, without fighting or blaming, how the status quo needs to change, embarking on a new direction.

9. Learn how to self-regulate!

By this, I mean, manage your own emotions. You are responsible for yourself, not anyone else. Use your energy to take care of yourself and not to try and manage another person. This does not work and is also just as futile as mind reading.

10. Have respect.

If they ask you to do something, do it.

11. Be kind even when they are not.

Again, be the one to extend the olive branch once in awhile.

12. Learn how to not take things personally all the time.

I see this often and this prevents a person from taking ownership where it's needed, and discarding ownership of an issue when it is not warranted. It's not always about you.

13. Be flexible in your thinking and how you solve a problem. 

Be open to other alternatives and options. People have a tendency to be close-minded and overly opinionated. These traits get in the way of good communication and thwart progress.

14. Stay on topic.

Ask, "What is the real issue?" I often see couples who, once a conversation turns heated, they throw in the "kitchen sink," which means all unresolved issues and sensitive spots of the other is fair game.

15. Tone and inflection goes a long way.

They really do. Just a change in infliction in one or two words, will change the course of the conversation. So does starting a statement with "I" versus "you." Nothing sends a person into defensiveness mode with a statement that begins with "you."

16. Employ the 5:1 ratio.

For every negative comment, you should be stating 5 positive comments, according to John Gottman.

17. Add humor!

Be a little lighthearted. Humor has a way of diluting and diffusing tension and has immeasurable positive results.

Keep in mind that it's about creating the conversation and encouraging compassion for one another that will steer you away from the confrontation and criticism.

These are just a handful of strategies to improve communication. What has worked for you in your relationship?

Things Happy Couples NEVER Fight About (So Let Them Go, ASAP)

You fought over what TV show to watch. Really? REALLY?

When it comes to your relationship, there are some problems that really are worth fighting over. Some of these include lying, cheating, and basic fundamental differences in life goals.

Unfortunately, as you go about your everyday lives as a couple, you will most likely encounter many opportunities for conflict, both big and small.

One big determinate of your happiness in your relationship is the ability to let the small stuff go. Here are six things that just aren't worth arguing about:

1. Hobbies and spending time apart

It's easy to feel rejected or jealous when your spouse wants to spend time away from you to pursue their own interests. However, independence is an important part of a healthy relationship.

Couples who have hobbies and interests outside of their relationship are more likely to feel fulfilled and content. They also bring back things to talk about when they return to their partners.

Try not to see his time away as any indication about their feelings towards you. Take that time to develop your own individual interests as well. Like anything, moderation is key.

If your partner is constantly avoiding you to spend time away, this merits a discussion, but normal hobbies and separate interests are small things. Keep in mind that if you let someone do what makes them happy, they will come back to the relationship energized.

2. Your in-laws

Many people find it difficult to get along with their in-laws (me included). No matter how nice you are, or how nice they are, topics on which you disagree are bound to come up from time to time. There are a myriad of things to fight over when it comes to in-laws.

For example, here's just a sample of things I've fought over: when to see them, where to see them, how often to see them, that snide comment his mother made, his mother's preferences about who to invite to our wedding and so many more. 

Trying to maintain boundaries surrounding the in-laws is a really common hot button with couples.

While they can be maddeningly frustrating, your in-laws aren't worth driving a wedge into your relationship by fighting about them. This puts your spouse in a very awkward situation they don't really deserve to be in since they don't have control over their parents who are grown adults.

Having tension between you and your spouse over in-laws is just not worth it. If you're struggling with your in-laws, there are steps to cope with difficult in-laws.

3. Minor parenting issues 

Certain parenting disagreements can often cause problems in your relationship. For example, a Christian may have real problems raising their children with an Atheist or vice versa. Core values merit a discussion, as do safety-related issues.

On the other hand, the majority of couples have different tolerances for certain things when it comes to their children. Perhaps you are more lenient about before-dinner snacks or bedtimes than your partner. Maybe he wants to raise the kids on entirely organic food and you just don't care or vice versa.

These things really aren't worth fighting over. Work to find a way to compromise without undermining your partner's decisions in front of the kids.

4. Chores and housework

In an ideal world, everyone's house would look like it came straight from the pages of Decor & Style magazine. However, actually getting there is not exactly convenient or easy.

Although everybody should do their fair share of work around the house, fighting over this issue can make both of you feel seriously unappreciated and misunderstood.

If you find yourself frustrated over the amount of housework you are both taking on, try to accept the fact that your home may never be as perfect as the houses displayed in magazines and in the media, then divide up the chores fairly.

Remember that your relationship with your partner is worth far more than a clean home. After all, who wants to live in a spotless home with a person they are constantly arguing with?

5. Home decor 

Just like chores and housework, arguing over renovations and home decor decisions is simply a huge waste of time and energy. Your flooring, cabinets or paint colors are just not as important as having a happy, safe relationship.

Try to compromise and make sure that you both get to "win" when it comes to decor. Decide what your non-negotiables are and resolve to let the rest go.

6. TV and movie viewing preferences 

Ever gotten into a raging argument over which show to watch on TV and/or who gets to pick what you watch together too often? I hate to admit it, but I'll sheepishly raise my hand.

Clearly this falls under the "small stuff" category. If you're hoarding the remote, give it up. If you're always picking the movie or allowing someone else to, relinquish control.